My Peaceful Weekend

So for the first time in a long while, I’ve had a weekend of just staying in a chillaxing out, it’s done a world of good, especially now, since I’m really not with it while I have this huge workload.

Friday night was amazing. I thought that I’d be in all night just relaxing and then eventually getting bored, but to my surprise, it was the complete opposite. Though I was in and playing on the Sims 2 for a long time, that’s not how I spent the entire night. I had an amazing conversation with someone, and it really did brighten up my night, which is good, because at the moment I’ve been really down with work, and feeling that I look bad, and as much as it sounds like a little problem to most, it makes me feel at my worst. So that was a night I’m happy to have stayed in on.

Saturday I didn’t get up until 12.45pm – a lie-in that was needed, it was pure bliss. I don’t think I could have found a way to make that any better really, except maybe waking up with a significant other, and being totally euphoric and loved up, but who doesn’t want that every morning? I’m not even concerned or ashamed that I slept through the morning, I damn well deserved it! Throughout today I’ve been reading up on New York City for my assignment and that’s been alright, had some other work, but I haven’t done it yet – still have Sunday left! Then for the rest of the day just been playing on my computer, expressing the inner-”boy”..

I know things will get better, and that life’s just tough right now because of my work, so I’m feeling less stressed in knowing that I can deal with things. And I mean come on, it’s not like I’m dying or anything!

…

PS. If you’ve read this, give me a comment – I like them, and no-one comments my blogposts, yet I know people read them!

On the academic front..

..it’s getting a little hectic. I’m finding myself waking up immersed within art, going to school thinking about it, getting there and doing it, taking my free periods and lunchtimes to do it, and then coming home and planning what to do next for it. Then worrying about the other two subjects that are in need of attention.

Tonight was parents evening, and I only had the one appointment with my Art teacher, and her overall comment was that I have the skill, but I haven’t used my time wisely enough to incorporate it into my work. I guess that’s a compliment, or at least I’ll take it like one, but it does make me feel like my hard work is going un-noticed. Determination.

The situation is more or less this: Last year my teacher for Art wasn’t really a teacher to us. We’ve gone a year without really learning anything at all, but the one lesson where we gained the skill on how to attach canvas paper to an easel! So everyone’s short on their projects and are becoming more and more determined to finish them while keeping up with other studies. To be frank, our previous teacher is a bastard for leading us into the pit of confusion that he did, but I have to say that for a great deal of people in that group, it’s probably our fault for not noticing something wasn’t right about the course.

Hopefully this year will bring new light and my grade will arise from it’s appaling D status, up to a B, or my dream of an A.

We’ll see.

So lonely.

I know there are people out there that deserve happiness much more than I do, and I appreiciate that, but right now I’m feeling a little bit isolated.

Since I went to meet the guy that I’ve really had feelings for, the truth is, I can’t get him out of my mind. I keep thinking about him, the last thing I think about when I go to bed seems to always be him. I wonder how I could have done things differently, if things would have been better if we did end things or if they would have been better if we carried on and worked through the differences.

I know there are “plenty more fish in the sea”, but how often does this opportunity come along for me? Let’s see, in the past three years, I’ve only been “crazy” over about three guys, and all have ended badly. Well, one could be repaired, but it’s truly a lost cause.
Maybe I’m not cut out for love? Surely that’s impossible, everyone’s on this planet to love and be loved. So why is it so hard for me to work out this enigma?

When I like someone, I feel like I’m being challenged into impressing them, because I know they won’t like me for me. I mean, what do I really have to offer? I’m a fun person, yes, but there’s an extent to that – you’ll get bored of me sooner or later, but I’ll never get bored of you.

I understand to most people this is going to sound like a huge dramatic overload, and it’ll read out like overly irrational thoughts, but this is just how I feel right now, and how I’ve been feeling for the past three weeks.  I just wish I didn’t get involved with him again, after remembering how he made me feel the first time around, it was a really foolish move.  But I really thought things would be different, like, I’d be the one he liked this time, and not some sort of cast off, or second best. But I guess you’ve confirmed some of the feelings I have about myself, I’m always going to be the compromise.

Sigh, where are you?

xx

Ever feel like you just don’t..connect?

I’ve been in Spain now for about a week or so, and I’m coming home in a few days. But for a while now I’ve started to feel as if I’ve stopped really connecting with people. I’ve lost whatever I had before that made people want to talk to me. I don’t like it, but I guess it’s life. People dislike you, people won’t change, and you can’t change them. Well, I disagree with that actually, you can change them; I just can’t.Once again I’ve started thinking how life is life, you live and breathe. You carry on the human race, you’ve done your duty, and then it’s over for you. The wisest people are those that choose to end it sooner to prevent having to deal with the confusion around what the point to their living is. I guess this sounds really sad, and probably pathetic, but hey, it’s my blog and it’s how I feel..not like you ever made one.. (Dislaimer: You probably have.)

I don’t understand why it’s been happening. I wish it would stop but it won’t. Nothing is pulling me out of feeling down, and depressed and I just wish, and hope that once I leave home next year, things will turn around for me. I can’t bear living with who I live with, people who disagree and spectate every single move you make. People that won’t let you be who you are, people that will so easily just tell you your own beliefs are wrong. Maybe living apart from these people will help me to grow as a person, grow the part of me that was stopped when it all began. That is, the shite in life that I shan’t dwell upon. Everyone has their problems, there’s no point in wallowing and making a big deal about it. I don’t find this to be making people feel sorry for me, and whatever because you choose to read this. I don’t shout it in your face.

To close, I’m pretty messed up in my head right now, and it doesn’t look like things are going to change.

I could laugh, I could cry, but in the end I’ll just be putting it on.

Yeah, I’m pretty much fine at the moment, weirdly indifferent in terms of mood. I feel a little uneasy at the idea of having made two blog posts so close together, but I guess I need something to fill the void of sitting on my computer waiting for something to happen.

I’m not sad, I’m not happy, so what mood is that? I mean you can’t really say it’s neutral, can you? Hmm, “How are you, Joe?” “NEUTRAL”.. I don’t think it fits. Anyway, what happened to me today? I know you’re just dying to find out, so here goes! I got up early enough, did all the normal things that I do in the 40minute time slot that connects waking up to getting in Elly’s car to take a magical ride to the olde learnin’ house. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, straightened my hair, got changed, styled my hair, made myself smell nice, cleaned my room, went on my computer – I get a lot done within 40-minutes, right? When I got to school, first lesson was a free, so me and Henrietta went up town to sit by the river, basking in the sun that’s was so wrongly being wasted this morning. Then had all my lessons and things, pretty average really.. Went up town again at lunchtime, got a chicken wrap, bought some new Herbal Essences, straightening cream..more lessons, then home again! Phew, what a day! Now let’s play on Warcraft for 4hrs (I’m level 19 now, take that Noel! (Not that you read my blogs and you’re currently in Dorset..))

Then I wrote this. I actually feel a little sadder now I’ve reflected on just how uneventful my day was. Thanks WordPress, you actually make me feel bad. OOOH! WHITNEY HOUSTON! Yes! I wanna dance with somebody, that’s the tune!

You didn’t have to read this :] x

Time to dance.

So I guess we’re nearing Summer ‘07, and it’s time to put on our party hats, drink several pints of booze and do things that we’ll regret the following morning but reminisce on later and laugh about.

Lately, I think I’ve started to get a little happier, maybe it’s the opposite of seasonal depression, or maybe it’s because everything in life has totally picked up? It’ll sound sad, but things like upcoming movies and DVD boxsets seem to have made me a little bit more uplifted lately. And maybe knowing that there’s so much to look forward to in the Summer?

First of all, I’m really looking forward to going to Spain with Henrietta, not only because I’m going with Henrietta, but mainly because I’ll get to see my parents; the time comes around once or twice a year and it’s a time that I’ll never forget, the good, the bad, and the just plain stupid moments that I share with them both. It’ll be great to get away from this place, nice to be able to go out on walks and things, just the kind of things you do when abroad. Summer nights, drinking alcohol, and laughing endlessly – these things I’ll never forget.

Secondly I’m looking forward to breaking up from school even though just at the moment I’ve started to enjoy school just that little bit more, it’ll be a great release to be without it for a month or so. Finding out what my results for my hard-worked-for A level exams will be a fun moment, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed from now until then, if I do well, I’ll be ecstatic, if I do bad then no worries, there’s a reason for re-sits.

Other things like having my new hair done on Wednesday, and going to Alton Towers the next day are things that I’m looking forward to too. Also my 17th, which I’m not overly sure about what my plans are for, but I think I’ll do something, with my close friends, nothing special..! I want a DS, so if anyone’s reading this, send one to me for my 17th, and I’ll love you forever.  See, I’m turning 17, yet my maturity still wallows at a pitiful 7-year old.

These are the times to remember, and I’m going to remember them all so well.

Feelin’ Fine, for now.

Before you begin to read this, I must warn you there’s really no purpose to this blog post, except for it just being more about how I’ve been feeling lately. So close now, if you’re not interested, or else it’ll simply sound like droning

Okay, anyway, deal being that I think life right now is in the pits. There’s nothing happening, nothing, no-one to entertain me, zip, zilch, zero. I just want something to happen. For example, last night I came home, and actually didn’t know what to do. I sat on my bed for a few minutes just watching music videos on the television, and I was just totally angry and bored out of my head.

There’s a few things that I think could be the reason why I’ve been feeling this way recently though. It’s probably because I haven’t had a relationship in so long, I just miss the connection you have with someone that’s close to you in that way, or maybe it’s something totally different, such as the fact I have all of my AS Level exams approaching rather rapidly.

Thing is, I just can’t bear it. I’m one that likes to live fast, and there simply needs to be something happening, or I’ll just die a little, a lot, inside. Earlier on today I was thinking to myself how awful it would be if life just remained like this throughout the rest of my years. What if, I’ll always live with my stupid family, what if I’m always just a worker at McDonalds, what if I can’t get anyone to love me? This is why I’ve chosen to take a stand, just because of that thought.

I am going to revise like hell, to get the grades I want from my AS levels, next year I’m going to do loads of things that’ll add to my experience for my CV. I can’t, simply can’t get by, working at McDonalds for the rest of my life. I don’t even think I’m going to want to work there for another year, if I’m going to be entirely honest, it’s an actual shithole.

Meh, dedication, it’s not cool, but then again, screw you all I’m cool.

Do we all live off affection?

 When someone comes along and seems to be genuinely interested in you, why do you somehow manage to ruin it?

This being a question that’s been dawning upon me over and over again, everytime I get just a little interested in someone, I’m choosing to publicize it, and ask everyone for their opinions. I’ll elaborate on my story, not naming names.

A few weeks ago I stumbled across MySpace Trains, i.e. a scheme a lot of sad, lonely people get involved with in order to up their friend-count on MySpace, obviously making them feel much more “special” because they have “oh so many friends”, or just a general way of meeting someone. My story continues through the second pathway.

I was adding all the people on numerous trains to see how many good looking guys I could find that are actually genuine and wondered whether or not something more could extend from “just another internet relationship”. Then I came across him, a guy that I looked at with awe, yet wondered why he was actually even speaking to me, someone that good could never possibly want to get involved with someone like me.  It wasn’t re-assurance to feel deceptively bad about myself, this for me, was facing facts – nothing’s going to happen.

So we talked for hours and hours on MySpace with mass messages getting to know each other to the extremes, he was great, as well as just having the looks, what more could you ask for? To me, he was the type I could spend hours on hours with just to be with, it was odd how fast I gave into having slight feelings for him.

Then he popped the question to ask for my mobile phone number, feeling that he was living close to me, and that it was much more realistic than looking for someone perfect that lives countless miles away, I thought why not? I gave him my number. The next day, he text me and seemed oh so very happy to just even text me, and I was amazed at how someone like him hadn’t already gotten bored of me, this didn’t make sense to me, but I figured I could either sit there are speculate why the hell he’s bothering with me, or I can actually enjoy this. I messaged him back, and then he replied, then I replied and so on, for hours, great conversationalist, indeed. The next day he even phoned me, it was so clear that we clicked instantly because our first phone call was 2 hours long, and there was no moment when there was an awkward silence. For a few days there wasn’t a day where there was no phone calls, it was so amazing, I’d never had something like that with someone I’d never met before, or for that matter, anyone. When something like this happens, you just start to think to yourself, “How can something so perfect for me, just exist, and be thinking the same back about me?”.

We planned on meeting up. I was going there, catching the train at 8am, meaning I had to wake up much earlier to get ready. Meeting someone like him was something special for me, I had to make a BIG impression, this wasn’t just anyone. Everything was going smooth, I was ready to catch the train, in about 10minutes on the big day, and he text me saying he had to cancel. I was pissed to the extreme about this, and hung around town just trying to cheer myself up, friends all being good to me saying they’re there for me when I’d just been “stood up” even though to be honest, I didn’t see it as standing me up. I got over it, it was a mistake, and things would blow over.

Then one day, the phone call was just 5 minutes long, and later he said he forgot to call back, so so, I wasn’t going to make a big deal, because it wasn’t one, only it made me a little sad that I didn’t get to talk to him, but whatever, stop floating around it. The next day, there was no call, and thereafter, there was never another call. He said he had a massive assignment or whatever it was, and we didn’t even talk for two days. I mean obviously, I naturally text him a few times in that period, and messaged him on MySpace, nothing. After the two days, I tried to talk to him on MSN, he replied, finally! We had a decent conversation for two and a half hours, great right? Well obviously not because that’s the last time we really spoke, I’ve text him over and over, he’s ignored it.

Then yesterday, we were supposed to be giving meeting up another shot. He left it until an hour before he was supposed to get here, and text with “I’m sick, nuuh” so yeah I was hurt, because I was obviously tricked into thinking I was worth anything to be honest, but I chose to put it to the back of my head because I was with people..and I wasn’t likely to get stressed over it, I’m not like that.

Went for coffee with a couple of other gays, and just had a good chat I guess, though I was clearly a little low, but you know why, and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head, so I left and caught a bus to go home for a lonely night that should’ve been something special, for me at least.  When I was on the bus I decided to stop being a compete doormat, and text him with “Am I just wasting my time here?” there was no reply..ever, until earlier today I spoke to him on msn, and asked him why he hadn’t replied, he dodged the whole question and rushed off.

So that’s my story, a boring one, a meaningless one. I guess I’ve learned something here though; never let your feelings or interests get lost into cyberspace, it’s almost guaranteed to piss in your face in return.  But this still brings me to the question: Do we all live off affection? Maybe I was expecting too much from him, maybe I was too up-front? But that’s who I am. I don’t know what I did, I don’t know if I’m just once again getting thrown in the bargain bin after I’m used and damaged goods. It’s happened before, he assured me it wouldn’t happen this time. Fat chance, you’re a stupid boy, and you don’t deserve to have anyone, that’s what he really said.

The day I start to get interested seriously into someone online again, someone slap me, and tell me to just shut the fuck up.

MyLife – MySims

 

I’m aware that a lot of people have been commenting on the fact that the fall 2007 Wii & DS exclusive hit-to-be MySims is aimed at ages 3-10yrs, my comment to that being: “Total bogus”.  Let me put a few things straight here:

•  Chibi-style characters are extremely popular in Japan, and considering that MySims was created in EA’s branch in Japan, this would explain why this style of play character has been chosen.
• The  removal of motives such as hunger, entertainment needs and social desirability have indeed been scrapped for new “objective-based” gameplay, though this doesn’t mean that it’s because younger children can’t comprehend the logics around motives, but more so that EA have realized that the “daily routine” effect that crops up on every Sims game needs to be tackled in some way, and objective-based gameplay is clearly the way forward here. And for the DS, let’s face it, wouldn’t you rather have objectives to complete rather than telling your Sims where to excrete while you’re on the go? Something you can save and come back to later, that isn’t just reliving your life in CGI?
• MySims is not a replication of Animal Crossing: Wild World, indeed the ideas behind the game seem to be more as it were AC:WW-esque, although since when do you save a failing village, build a family, and talk to characters who don’t have fur on AC:WW?

I think I have pretty much outlined all of the disputes that have cropped up whilst I’ve been browsing through gaming forums in relation to EA’s MySims, and I hope for all of you that have problems with the game, or it’s supporters, there’s a formulated response for you to choke on.

Thanks for reading

Banish the Blemish!

Recently my acne problems have practically tripled, and I’m not really sure why, I stopped using facial cleansers because I figured I was removing the natural layer of skin or something, but that only made the problem worse, the types of spots I was getting were red/inflamed ones, and some of the ones that you can feel coming, the painful ones that you can’t squeeze and have to let grow out. I tried so many things people had given me advice on, including particular vitamins, workout regimes, things to eat, but nothing really worked. But then I thought to myself “Hey! There’s a world of knowledge out there called the internet!” so, knowing that (from my previous blogpost) iVillage was an awesome place to try looking for things in this nature, I set my browser to 5th gear and I was off to a world of skin tips and was blinded by the amount of information I found on spots and acne.

The particular link that I thought was really helpful (I even bookmarked it) was Banish the Blemish! It gave information on any common type of spot, and what you should do for it, when to seek advice from a dermatologist, and when not to, when to use exfoliators, cleansers, toners, face masks and such, and when not to use them. I think that if anyone has spot problems, and they’re pretty much as a confused standstill, this would be a pretty good place to start.

But base knowledge is that you should never squeeze spots, this just builds up the amount of bacteria on your face, from your hands, and it may not seem that bigger deal at the time, but just think where your hands have actually been. You should also cleanse morning and night, and then tone and moisturize. I found out also that by “cleanse” this doesn’t mean use a “deep pore cleanser” and these should only be used once a week (why are we not told these things?) and that it means a gentle, non-exfoliating daily wash. Toners should be generic ones, and you should use them after cleansing to restore the natural pH balance of your skin, and to remove anything left by the cleanser. If you have particularly oily skin, they recommend that you use a “drying toner or lotion” to combat this. Finally, you should use a daily moisturizer, this helps to keep the correct balance of moisture to your skin, and keeps you looking fresh throughout the day.

I thought this was pretty good advice, after starting to speculate whether or not every spot-cream company is actually secretly evil, and trying to give everyone even more spots. I hope it helped you too.

Links: Banish the Blemish

Sources: iVillage