My Peaceful Weekend

So for the first time in a long while, I’ve had a weekend of just staying in a chillaxing out, it’s done a world of good, especially now, since I’m really not with it while I have this huge workload.

Friday night was amazing. I thought that I’d be in all night just relaxing and then eventually getting bored, but to my surprise, it was the complete opposite. Though I was in and playing on the Sims 2 for a long time, that’s not how I spent the entire night. I had an amazing conversation with someone, and it really did brighten up my night, which is good, because at the moment I’ve been really down with work, and feeling that I look bad, and as much as it sounds like a little problem to most, it makes me feel at my worst. So that was a night I’m happy to have stayed in on.

Saturday I didn’t get up until 12.45pm – a lie-in that was needed, it was pure bliss. I don’t think I could have found a way to make that any better really, except maybe waking up with a significant other, and being totally euphoric and loved up, but who doesn’t want that every morning? I’m not even concerned or ashamed that I slept through the morning, I damn well deserved it! Throughout today I’ve been reading up on New York City for my assignment and that’s been alright, had some other work, but I haven’t done it yet – still have Sunday left! Then for the rest of the day just been playing on my computer, expressing the inner-”boy”..

I know things will get better, and that life’s just tough right now because of my work, so I’m feeling less stressed in knowing that I can deal with things. And I mean come on, it’s not like I’m dying or anything!

…

PS. If you’ve read this, give me a comment – I like them, and no-one comments my blogposts, yet I know people read them!

On the academic front..

..it’s getting a little hectic. I’m finding myself waking up immersed within art, going to school thinking about it, getting there and doing it, taking my free periods and lunchtimes to do it, and then coming home and planning what to do next for it. Then worrying about the other two subjects that are in need of attention.

Tonight was parents evening, and I only had the one appointment with my Art teacher, and her overall comment was that I have the skill, but I haven’t used my time wisely enough to incorporate it into my work. I guess that’s a compliment, or at least I’ll take it like one, but it does make me feel like my hard work is going un-noticed. Determination.

The situation is more or less this: Last year my teacher for Art wasn’t really a teacher to us. We’ve gone a year without really learning anything at all, but the one lesson where we gained the skill on how to attach canvas paper to an easel! So everyone’s short on their projects and are becoming more and more determined to finish them while keeping up with other studies. To be frank, our previous teacher is a bastard for leading us into the pit of confusion that he did, but I have to say that for a great deal of people in that group, it’s probably our fault for not noticing something wasn’t right about the course.

Hopefully this year will bring new light and my grade will arise from it’s appaling D status, up to a B, or my dream of an A.

We’ll see.

So lonely.

I know there are people out there that deserve happiness much more than I do, and I appreiciate that, but right now I’m feeling a little bit isolated.

Since I went to meet the guy that I’ve really had feelings for, the truth is, I can’t get him out of my mind. I keep thinking about him, the last thing I think about when I go to bed seems to always be him. I wonder how I could have done things differently, if things would have been better if we did end things or if they would have been better if we carried on and worked through the differences.

I know there are “plenty more fish in the sea”, but how often does this opportunity come along for me? Let’s see, in the past three years, I’ve only been “crazy” over about three guys, and all have ended badly. Well, one could be repaired, but it’s truly a lost cause.
Maybe I’m not cut out for love? Surely that’s impossible, everyone’s on this planet to love and be loved. So why is it so hard for me to work out this enigma?

When I like someone, I feel like I’m being challenged into impressing them, because I know they won’t like me for me. I mean, what do I really have to offer? I’m a fun person, yes, but there’s an extent to that – you’ll get bored of me sooner or later, but I’ll never get bored of you.

I understand to most people this is going to sound like a huge dramatic overload, and it’ll read out like overly irrational thoughts, but this is just how I feel right now, and how I’ve been feeling for the past three weeks.  I just wish I didn’t get involved with him again, after remembering how he made me feel the first time around, it was a really foolish move.  But I really thought things would be different, like, I’d be the one he liked this time, and not some sort of cast off, or second best. But I guess you’ve confirmed some of the feelings I have about myself, I’m always going to be the compromise.

Sigh, where are you?

xx